The Woman I Have Become

The Woman I Have Become

By Sinélia Peixoto

Carlos Drummond de Andrade[1] said there was a “rock” on the road. There were many “rocks” throughout my life. There was also a notebook that was able to keep all the pain inside its pages, changing the bad into good. In the pages of my notebook, I kept writers and poets who have inspired me and because of them I am who I am. Those writers proved to me not only that life was worth living, but also that I could achieve anything if I set my mind to believe in myself. One important thing I had to be mindful of was that I had to learn how to quiet the voices that could take me nowhere.

There was a notebook and within those pages I kept my writing trying to make my new world come true. There were rocks along the way. For example, when I was a teenager, there were doctors telling me that I could not be a mom or that I would be in a wheelchair by the time I was thirty because of a back problem. There was also my mom’s cancer and the time I had to take over her role in the family. A huge rock was the divorce that took away the life I was living and knew had to be gone. I had to learn how to live a different life. There was the biggest rock of all which was learning how to start my life over and over again. Those rocks did not kill me even though the feeling was of dying. Actually, those rocks made me stronger. They made me realize that I had no control over people’s feelings, choices or lives. I had zero control of what might happen in my own life too. The only choice I had was to accept that life was unpredictable. I had to acknowledge what life brings and change my mind to accommodate the idea that I can always make the most of it with what I have.

I had a notebook and I could write everything I wanted and dreamed of having. I could throw away my anger, my pain, all the bad, and all the voices telling me I could not, or would not in those blank pages. Then, I could decide to turn the page and start a new one planning what I really wanted to have in my life.

            I learned how to set my mind into achieving anything. I left the life I knew in Brazil, the stability, the job I once loved and was totally in control of, the house I built after my divorce, my family, and the structure I had, because I knew I had to pursue my dream and become the best version of myself. I had to build a new life and start over in a different country to provide my children with better opportunities and raise them to be the best version of themselves too. I trusted my heart and now I feel this is my home. I created beauty with what I had. I created a new home because I believed the Universe was always on my side, fighting for me to be better, to be the best I could be, and it was teaching me how to overcome all my challenges.

So now when I look at the mirror, I see the same frightened little girl I was, but I also see the many versions of me. I see the rebel teenager. I see a woman who is not superwoman, but she feels sometimes like one because she had to raise two kids on her own and still be able to survive. This woman is brave. She has courage to do what she wants, to pursue her dreams, and she stands up for what she believes. I see the many parts of me who make me the woman I want to be. This woman has been through a lot, but she never gives up. She is a survivor in many ways and her kids were the reason why she survived the hardest times of her life. So, when I think if life is worth living, my answer is “yes, it is”. I am a better person because there were rocks on the road, but also because I believed in myself and in my deepest dreams.

I am wiser because I faced my deepest fears and flaws. I decided to take “the road less traveled by and that made all the difference”, as Robert Frost would say. There were times in life in which there were more than two roads to take. I made my decision and chose one. Fernando Pessoa[2] said everything is worth it, if your soul is not small. If you believe in love and love has taken over you, you can do anything. Life is worth living. Oswaldo Montenegro’s[3] songs are all about love and time, and just like him, I needed time to flourish. I also needed time to write and use my notebook to touch people’s hearts.

I have no idea when I write something if that is beautiful or good enough, but at the same time, the end result does not matter. I know I need to write because there is something I need to say and make known to others. I also want to teach my kids that they can do anything if they believe in themselves. I want to teach others that they can always start over, write things down, and turn the pages of their own notebooks transforming the bad into good. Vinicius de Moraes[4] said we are not immortal, but our words might be. So, let us be alive or let our lives be infinite for as long as they last, or as long as we last[5]. Let’s live fully and enjoy our time here. I have lived and experienced a lot and my mind has changed because of that unordinary life.

I learned that nothing can stop me. I learned that I will not be defeated, even when I encounter or face many defeats[6]. I leaned that I will not listen to the voices that do not believe in me. I have accepted that I am made of good and bad, but I can decide what part of me I want to be more. I am here in this life to fulfill my own expectations, not anyone else’s. I want to show my kids that anything is possible when we believe in ourselves and in our dreams. For that, I use Cora Coralina[7] who said that whatever happens in our lives is and can be our own decision. I choose what I want to do and who I want to be in my life. I choose to be me, to accept all of me, and I choose to dance and have fun while living. I need all of me and I need to feel joy while living.

I need love and I need all of myself. I need to remember the bad because I do not want to repeat the past. I need to remember the good because I need to keep that feeling inside of me. I need peace to be able to feel love and be loved. I need peace to write and peace to be my best. I need all parts of me like I need the sun. I need inspiration. I need writers and poets, and I need my notebook. Creativity works with peace. Set me free and beauty comes out of me!

This woman I am becoming is the best version of herself. This woman is trying every single day to forgive her past and accept herself just as she is. Writing is part of that acceptance process. Almir Sater[8] said we all need love to be able to have pulse. We all need peace to be able to smile. We all need rain to be able to flourish. Let me flourish and smile through life!

Give me a notebook and I will turn its pages because Oswaldo Montenegro[9] also has a song saying that half of us is love and the other half is love too. I am who I choose to be and I choose to be love. I can draw from the woman I was, build up from there, and then become the woman I desire and dream of being. I can say YES to the world and to the opportunities that come my way and I can write what should not be forgotten as Isabel Allende[10] have said. The only thing I really know now and that I have learned to do throughout my life is to trust my heart and to be in peace with my soul. Those parts of me keep saying “keep swimming, Dori” and keep writing because that is the only way to live a fully and happy life. Writing is never done in one sitting and might never be really done.

As time goes by, I might realize through my writing and reading that I have already learned how to love myself. I have learned how to become invincible through my notebook and my own words. I have a notebook and nothing is more powerful than those words, writers, and poets in those pages. The notebook has turned the woman I was into the woman I have become and that is what makes all the difference.

[1] Brazilian poet and writer

[2] Portuguese poet

[3] Brazilian musician

[4] Brazilian poet

[5] Vinicius de Moraes

[6] Maya Angelou

[7] Brazilian writer and poet

[8] Brazilian musician

[9] Brazilian musician and poet

[10] Chilean writer